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November 3, 2012
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From where I am today, to where I was has changed dramatically, the places I've been, people I've met, and the experiences I have dealt with; even thinking about it can send my mind into a thousand thoughts. If you're thinking, "Has she won the lottery?" then you are wrong. Maybe, " Traveled the world?"  or "Been to Jail?"Then you are also incorrect. Winning the lottery would be a dream, but considering what I have today I couldn't trade that for money, for travelling, anything. Before, I was a pregnant teenager confused and scared over the events that were about to happen, although I wasn't alone. I was devoted to a boyfriend with a lost soul who began to find his feet on the ground before it was too late. He was able to live the life he dreamed before it was ended and I had become a homeless wreck. Desperate for money, a roof over my head. Now, I am a proud woman, holding my head high to society because I can. I am a mother to three beautiful irreplaceable children and a supporter of our soldiers who fight battle in the world, with my husband by their side.  Today I sit waiting for my husband to return unharmed whilst he becomes suffocated with passion and tells me stories of the things he's seen, and the 'adventure' that made him the person he is today. I suppose you are now wondering why I am sharing this with you, but I want you to hear my story, because I am walking proof that it doesn't matter what life throws at you, positivity and hope are the key to unlocking your greatest discovery yet.

At fourteen years of age, sitting on the sofa with a book in one hand, and a mug of tea in the other seemed to be paradise. I could get lost in the words and forget what was happening around me.  I could escape the outside world for hours although one day it was shattered by my surroundings. A door bell. The ringing forcing me to roll my eyes and angrily become unsettled whilst it continued to chime a tune until somebody would open the door. That somebody was me. Because there was only two siblings in the family, myself and older sibling Charlotte, when the doorbell went it either meant my boyfriend; Dale, a tall handsome fellow, with hair as dark as night, and blue eyes which would shimmer like water on a lake under moonlight;  would be coming to drag me into his world of drink and parties.  A world I only ever experiences rarely, it was never my scene although I had to admit I did enjoy the rush and dancing, socialising and afterwards, the 'alone time' Dale would arrange. Or, it would be my best friend Rebecca. I'd known her since I was running around in nappies dunking my pacifier into drinks. Being head girl, she knew everything that happened in our school, and was never short on telling me what was happening the corridors, would come for a 'girly goss' were we'd exchange secrets and stories, make-over's and fashion advise.  To my surprise, I opened the door to a young woman, with a briefcase. Small and petite with mouse grey hair and deep green eyes. She was wearing casual clothing which only confused me more when she said the name "Charlotte Colquhoun." Being the questioning, nosy character I am I decided to play a small game of 5 questions before deciding if this woman should be entered into my home. Before I could, her next sentence became the closer of discussion "I'm the doctor, here to check on the pregnancy." as she brushed past me walking upstairs. . Our family was expecting an arrival shortly; Charlotte was expecting a baby girl in seven weeks and unfortunately it didn't look like an easy pregnancy, Complications meant doctors needed to keep an eye on her, and her unborn child but being sent into hospital made her stress levels increase dramatically, they did home visits.  I learnt she'd been here before and wasn't shy of making herself at home familiarising herself with the kettle, teabags and mugs. This woman was different from the others, which worried me more. She seemed prepared, but prepared for what? I took my whizzing thoughts into the kitchen where I noticed my Mum was making chicken casserole. "Are they going to be ok?" I asked in a quiet, yet concerned tone. Her body turned to face mine. "It's a check up, nothing to worry about!" She reassured me with a smile, and returned to her cooking.  I nodded and returned to the kitchen picking up my book, 'The Calhoun's – Nora Roberts' and resumed reading.  Being able to sit back and return the undisturbed world of pictures flowing through my brain was fascinating but also interrupted again, but this time to a cry of agony from upstairs. My book hitting the floor, bouncing of the wooden floor as I sprung up and dashed upstairs to see what was going on. I watched as the doctor explained it was just contractions. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I was sure this arrival was going to be delivered soon, and nothing confirmed my prediction than her waters breaking, over the cotton sheets. "Call James!" Another cry said, as I ran downstairs picking up the phone to dial her fiancé Dr James Manford that his unborn angel was making a surprised entrance. Without James there, I decided to step forward and comfort my sister as-well as mum standing besides her giving her instructions, after all she had given birth twice and her advice was more than useful in the situation. Kneeling down, I lent Charlotte my hand, as she squeezed it so tight; I imaged my hand popping into a thousand pieces, and my eardrums shattering from the screams.  From what to seem to be decades, a scream soon turned into a cry, as a small whine flew from a bundle wrapped in a towel. My eyes widened as she was passed her beautiful daughter, Amelia Lilly Colquhoun. Shortly after, a heart broken James appeared, devastated he'd missed the birth, but overwhelmed with the sight of her.  "She's beautiful." He managed to mumble pulling back the tears. The ambulance then arrived moments after James who took over and asked me and mum to leave the room, whilst they whisked her away. After all, the baby wasn't due for another seven weeks, and after complication, came more complication.
Hello everyone, thanks for reading the beginning of my new story. I have been working very hard and would appreciate it people would take the time to read it, and leave a comment when your done.

More information on the story will be printed shortly, and the remaining chapters will be uploaded once completed.

Life to life is soon going to be renamed.
Love Sianne xox

PART TWO: [link]
:iconlonerobin:
Deep beginning! I like the story so far.
I can imagine this in almost perfect detail because of your description.

However, that is also your downfall. There is so much useless stuffs in here, it's difficult to comprhend and I end up skipping it anyways. For instance, here is the passage: "Because there was only two siblings in the family, myself and older sibling Charlotte, when the doorbell went it either meant my boyfriend; Dale, a tall handsome fellow, with hair as dark as night, and blue eyes which would shimmer like water on a lake under moonlight; would be coming to drag me into his world of drink and parties. A world I only ever experiences rarely, it was never my scene although I had to admit I did enjoy the rush and dancing, socialising and afterwards, the 'alone time' Dale would arrange. Or, it would be my best friend Rebecca. I'd known her since I was running around in nappies dunking my pacifier into drinks. Being head girl, she knew everything that happened in our school, and was never short on telling me what was happening the corridors, would come for a 'girly goss' were we'd exchange secrets and stories, make-over's and fashion advise."

Wow. Try taking out the introduction to her friends, since that is uselss, they aren't even a part of the story yet.

Another thing you should be paying attention to is tense. You only break it once, but it is noticable. "My book hitting the floor, bouncing of the wooden floor as I sprung up and dashed upstairs to see what was going on."
Instead: "My book hit the floor, bouncing off the wooden panels as I sprung up and dashed upstairs to see what was going on."

Also, grammar! [] means insert {} means take out
"From where I am today, to where I was[,] has changed dramatically{,}[.] the places I've been..."

"I could escape the outside world for hours[.] {although one day it was shattered by my surroundings. A door bell.}[Today, however, that escape was shattered by a ringing bell]."

Everything else is wonderful! I like the introduction, how it steals your heart, and the cliffhanger at the end. Thank you for such a charming story and I hope I helped improve this gorgeous piece.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
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:iconmommy-of-ein:
I like this piece. I do not see any major grammar problems, and there are no spelling mistakes as far as I can see. There are a couple run on sentences but nothing too major. Run on sentences are easily fixed.

One thing I might suggest: When people speak, you might consider starting a new paragraph. It would appear neater that way.

This piece really draws you in and makes you want more. If this were a book I would not be able to put it down. Good job on literature well done. A++

Sorry if this critique isn't very good. Im still trying to learn how to do them. :)
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconurilii:
Urilii Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I read the 2nd paragraph. I LOVE how you drew the protagonist and I can't wait to get more of the story :2
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:iconurilii:
Urilii Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. I read the first paragraph so far. Though I am comfortable with English it's still a foreign language to me and I will get a lot of vocabulary from this story. So: you used words a student who has got an English A-Level-course (I don't know how to describe this. But in Germany, People who aim for "Abitur" (A-Levels) have to choose 2 subjects to be thier so called "Leistungskurs", which means they get extra training, extra lessons and the exams are harder.) has to look up. What I want to say is: you use wide range of vocabulary and this is very good.

I'll write another comment, when I read the 2nd paragraph. But this is my first impression and I wanted to share it asap.
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